The 30-Second-Boat Life Method*

Quite recently, I made repeated efforts to be a member of the 30-Second-Boat: a strong, lovely people who follow this method for life:

Can you make it through the next 30 seconds? –> If no –> Take a deep breath –>

Congratulations those 30 seconds are over –> Repeat

I couldn’t thrive there. I’d spend 5 seconds thinking about yesterday and 15 seconds thinking about tomorrow and 10 seconds thinking about how there were only a few seconds to the end of those thirty seconds. (Thirty seconds is really not a heck of a lot of time.)

Forget thirty seconds, I want to figure out life in thirty year increments. I wish God gave me a script, and I could live this life having rehearsed it. (I wrote a short story like that once, about a girl who received a script every evening and she would practice it before bed, and by the end of the story you realized, the script wasn’t for a play she was in — those were her lines for actual life. You think it’s a creepy story, and it was meant to creep the audience out. But not-so-secretly, I think it’s kind of paradise.) I like knowing, especially knowing what I’m supposed to be doing.

Give me a plan because I am one hell of a directions-follower.

You know what I’m not about? I’m not about spontaneous fun. Gross. Spontaneous “fun” is a pity. What’s more fun than planning every part of your fun so you can look forward to each part of it in turn? You just lost out on all the planning fun and all the looking-forward-to-it fun and the only fun you got was the … you know … actual fun part.

Anyways. The point is when someone tells me “Just enjoy yourself! Just relax and have fun with the adventure!” they might as well be speaking Swahili. (And in case it wasn’t clear: I don’t speak Swahili.) Don’t bother explaining to me the things that are above my understanding because I do not now understand and cannot imagine ever understanding the math behind 2+2=Apple. “Just enjoy”? What is this “just enjoy” you speak of?

Do you ever feel like the most simple-complicated person who ever existed? Or is that just me? (I sometimes have moments like that, you know — where I assume everyone is a little crazy and then realize that actually I’m the only one.)

Everything about me feels really, really simple. But when I try to talk about things, I realize I must be really complicated because no one seems to get it. And I’m no help because I just stare out in the distance and think loudly at them “How can you not get it?” and then go disappear somewhere I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.

My life method of plan-plan-plan has an unfortunately major flaw because we actually live in a world where phrases like “don’t count your eggs before they hatch” and “what can go wrong will” and “one plus one hardly ever equals two” and probably dozens more in other languages unfortunately exist and exist for a reason. I am always bummed when my plans don’t work out. Like what do you mean this movie is sold out? You can’t go to the DR with me anymore? My flight was delayed? I don’t have a job? This wasn’t part of the plan. (Except the flight being delayed to be honest. I fly US Air and Delta, and I’ve come to realize they are always delayed. It is now part of the plan.)

Everyone says “It’s not your plan, it’s part of God’s plan!” and then they smile like they just fixed it.

Okay. Cool. Does that really work for them? Are people really that holy and why am I not that holy? It’s like I’m trying to hang a frame so I ask for a hammer. When everyone replies with a quote from Charles Dickens, that’s nice and all, but don’t expect any pictures to go up on the walls today.

*I’m feeling in a bit of a … mood … today. This post will probably come down in the next 24 hours.

Advertisements