I have a secret.

Actually, I have a lot more than one. But here’s the secret I’ve worked up the courage to share.

Sometimes I yell at God.

It’s kind of silly, because I’m not really the shouting type, but God is one of the few who has the privilege (ahem…) of hearing my less-than-docile tones. Not usually a full-on shout (because, hello, I don’t live alone) but a whisper yell or a the-voice-in-my-head-is-shouting sort of yell.

Sometimes I’m just cranky. Sometimes I’ve been spending a lot of time being angry with myself, so I make a purposeful decision to transfer that anger to God. (Why am I so impatient? turns into Why did you make me so impatient? and so on. I’ve gotten embarrassingly good at the blame game.)

But sometimes, I am really and truly just angry with God. (Sometimes, aren’t you?)

In no way do I dare discredit or mean to ignore the other parts of prayer. God is certainly to be adored and confessed to and thanked, and it will never be enough. But God is not just God, not just High Priest, not just Giver. He is Friend.

John 15:13

Did you hear that? His friends.

There are friends that we talk to over coffee some mornings, friends we do homework with some evenings, and then there are friends that we spill our secrets and weaknesses to. Friends whose souls meet ours without deceit or masks or fear. And I don’t know about you, but those are the only friends I ever get into real arguments with. Because I trust them. When I’m angry with them, I don’t lie about it behind a cheerful smile. I don’t avoid them (for long…) I confront them.

And God is that friend.

If you’re upset with Him, He can take it. Although I should warn you…

If you “get real” with God, get ready for Him to be real right back, à la “Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth?” It is my humble experience that a sound scolding after I shout my accusations does me so much more good than sulking and avoiding Him, never hearing what I need to. It helps me stop thinking it on the side and under cover (as if He can’t hear it there!) and get it out in the open between us.

Be real with God. Especially if after reading this, you think, “How on earth could I be so angry at God that I yell at Him?” (in which case, I have to admit, you sort of confuse me as a fellow human being), but go ahead and tell Him that. I bet He’d appreciate it if this post left more people saying things like that than more people yelling at Him.

journal

A real journal entry, following a rough night.

So am I alone here? Do you ever yell at the Almighty IAM?

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One thought on “I have a secret.

  1. Pingback: I will not yell. I will not yell. I will not — WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? | Copt in College

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